Vector8 Journals

Monday, May 23, 2005

A Critical Analysis of the Eurovision Song Contest

Two days ago I watched the Eurovision Song Contest. For anyone who lives on another planet, it's a song contest for all countries who consider themselves to be in Europe. It can be very entertaining.

As for what I thought of this year's Eurovision? Sexist, sexist, sexist! There were far too many women singers. I mean, I don't fancy women; I am a red-blooded feminist female who demands to see more male bodies objectified in the media. The suffragists and suffragettes went through a lot for us women; can't recall now what they went through, but whatever they did go through must count for something. I didn't go through the torture of studying tedious feminist discourses to have them thrown back in my face.

There were far too few male totties in this year's contest. There was one guy who had the "pwoar" factor. My mother, who I was watching the Eurovision with at the time, reckoned he looked like the American actor Brad Pitt. She thinks all good looking white guys look like Brad Pitt. I think she has a thing about Brad Pitt, bless her; haven't we all? One of my favourite groups in the contest were two gorgeous guys from Latvia. They looked like they should be in a boy band. The commentator, Terry Wogan, must have heard me because he said they looked like boy band rejects. They did very well as it goes, they came fifth in the contest.

The funny thing about the Eurovision is that they all sound the same. Formerly, you could laugh at those quaint Europeans in their ridiculous outfits and funny songs, now most of them sing in English and dress the same. You could easily be watching an MTV award show. The United Kingdom entry didn't even get a look-in; they came third to last and that's bad. At least they didn't end up with nil point (pronounced pwan as in French). France was second to last, and Germany came last. How times have changed!

There is also the politics surrounding the Eurovision like who votes for whom. The newly formed countries of the former Soviet Union tend to vote for each other, or Cyprus gives Greece top marks and vice versa; "tactical voting" they call it. Winning the contest is also a double-edge sword for some. Usually, the winner hosts the following year's contest. What if a country can't afford to host it? I would imagine there would be raised taxes, and massive unemployment so the country can host the next contest. Who cares how much debt a country gets into, it's the winning that counts, right? It's funny how Ireland wasn't in the finals. They've hosted the Eurovision a few times and they're only a tiny country. There was this long-running joke that Ireland could no longer afford to host the Eurovision so they perform badly deliberately so they won't win.

Reminds me of a classic episode of the comedy, Father Ted, about a group of priests in Ireland. Fathers Ted and Dougal enter the "Song for Ireland" contest to decide the Ireland entry for the Eurovision. They compose this naff song about a horse which ends up winning. One singer protests and accuses the officials of fixing the competion so Ireland's entry will lose the Eurovision. That's exactly what happens. Fathers Ted and Dougal end up with nil point.

Another thing that's interesting about the Eurovision is the number of entries have increased to 39, so much so they have a semi-final and a final. There were 24 countries in the finals. I wonder if Europe is going to expand further to include North Africa and Canada? Canada is already in the Commonwealth and I'm sure they won't mind being classed as Europeans. Imagine if the USA became Europeans! They would win all the competitions. Well, as a rich nation, they can afford to host the Eurovision every single day.

Greece won the competition with a song called "You're My Number One" about love. It was the favourite to win. When the scores started coming in, Greece wasn't doing so well. I think all bookmakers must have had panic-attacks at the thought of losing so much money. Greece won in the end; another woman singer, with a catchy tune I can't now remember. Besides it is a good strategy to choose a song with the words "number one." If you think yourself as number 1, and sing about number 1, you end up being number 1.

There are many issues around the Eurovision but what really bugs me is the sexism. I now call upon all would-be feminists, apathetic feminists, womanists, girl-power supporters and sympathetic men to support my campaign to objectify men's bodies. I want to see more good looking guys in next year's contest. If they can sing, that's good; if they can only mime, all the better. I don't care whether they are black or white, as long as they look gorgeous.

I have set up a website where you will find more details:

I would appreciate your support. Men have had it good for far too long. Let's show men what it feels like to be deprived of your basic human needs.

With your support, I will have more positive feedback about the Eurovision contest next year.

Best Wishes,

ps: I was going to say "best wishes" in as many European languages as I could look up but then I decided it was a waste of time; too many countries are singing in English these days so people probably wouldn't understand.