Vector8 Journals

Friday, May 20, 2005

Joy Lifts Me Up


"You bring me joy
When I'm down
Oh, so much joy
When I lose my way your love comes smiling on me" You Bring Me Joy, Anita Baker
The real me is Joy. It is Joy that lifts me up when I have been depressed, and I've been depressed a lot. I have had so many suicidal fantasies that I believe the fantasies demystified suicide. This disproves the belief that you end up manifesting what you think about the most. The real Me, Soul, was not going to let that happen. You see I've always enjoyed spending time by myself and have spent countless hours in meditation. I had experienced myself as Light where there is no sense of space or time just eternal Being, Bliss, Life. I believe once you've experienced Being you've gone beyond the point of no return. You can't kill yourself when you've experienced who you are as eternal Life. "It ain't going to happen, sweetheart. Sorry!"

Here are a couple of examples when Joy has lifted me up.

I was very young, naive and nubile at the time. What am I saying? I am still young and nubile. Anyway, I remember standing at this train station speaking to the man of my dreams. We both liked each other but he was telling me it was a no-go area as he was already married. I can just see his lovely brown eyes filled with sadness over our situation. We were standing looking down at trains passing beneath. I felt immense grief and the old suicidal feelings resurfacing.

"The way I'm feeling now," I said, "I could easily jump." I really meant it.
"Don't be silly," he said, "why would you want to do a thing like that?"
"At least I will be doing something different with my life," I said sadly.

He shook his head and chuckled. I then realised what I'd said was oxymoronic. It made me smile and at least at that moment, I stopped thinking about suicide.

Another time was when I was a student. I was in a very dark place as a relationship had just ended. I couldn't focus on my studies and an essay deadline was fast approaching. I admit it was a lousy excuse as I always left things till the last minute. I started fantasising about suicide, again. I decided to phone the Samaritans who are at least trained to listen to depressed people. I spoke to this lovely guy. I told him how sick and tired I was of being treated badly in relationships and I'd had enough. He asked me if I was thinking about suicide. Have leopards got spots? Of course I was thinking about suicide. He listened to me rant and rave about men and relationships and how I didn't have the energy to focus on my studies let alone write my essay. He asked me what I was studying. I said, Women's Studies.

"I know, I know. You would think with all my academic knowledge of Feminism I should know better, right?" I said.

I could tell by his voice that he was trying hard not to laugh. But I beat him to it. I burst out laughing. We laughed long and hard. At least our laughter had halted that bout of depression.

The ego is melodramatic. His theme song is "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen." Drama, drama, drama! But my real Self is Joy.

I guess this is why I don't take things seriously. Why be serious when you can have a laugh. I say laugh at your troubles. The real You never created them anyway.
"What is the Purpose of the Material World? Life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled, a laugh track has been provided, and the reason we are in the material world is to get more material." Swami Beyondananda
"'If I were you,' he [don Juan] commented, 'I'd listen to my inner voice. What difference would it make if you were like Jorge Campos: a crook! He was a cheap crook. You are more elaborate. This is the power of the recounting. This is why sorcerers use it. It puts you into contact with something that you didn't even suspect existed in you.'

"I wanted to leave right then. Don Juan knew exactly how I felt.

"'Don’t' listen to the superficial voice that makes you angry,' he said commandingly. 'Listen to that deeper voice that is going to guide you from now on, the voice that is laughing. Listen to it! And laugh with it. Laugh! Laugh!'

"His words were like a hypnotic command to me. Against my will, I began to laugh. Never had I been so happy. I felt free, unmasked.' (The Active Side of Infinity, by Carlos Castaneda, p.60)
Joy and Laughter,
Enocia